Are you a people pleaser?
- Do you often say “yes” to people just because you don’t want to let them down?
- Do you go along with other’s opinions + choices so you don’t “rock the boat?”
- Does the idea of saying “no” to some people make you super uncomfortable?
If so, you might be a people pleaser.
Don’t feel bad if you are. SO many of us have been socially conditioned to be people pleasers. ESPECIALLY women!
I get it because I am a recovering people pleaser. It’s something I work on every single day of my life.
People pleasing is so important to understand + address, but it is definitely not talked about enough.
I want to help YOU let go of people pleasing so you can step into your true self every day + feel happier, overall!
Today I am explaining:
- What people pleasing is
- Why it makes you a liar + a phony
- Actionable ways to stop people pleasing
People Pleasing: Stop Being a Liar + Step Into Your True Self
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is just as it sounds. It’s when you focus on pleasing other people around you rather than pleasing yourself.
When you people please, you prioritize what other people think over what you think. You want to make them more comfortable + happy, often not taking yourself into consideration.
These actions are built on thought patterns you have created for yourself. At the core, they are collections of thoughts that we are constantly having about ourselves over + over. In turn, these patterned thoughts directly affect how we feel. Often, the feelings are worry + anxiety.
PEOPLE aren’t making you feel anxious.
Your thoughts are.
You Focus on Others Instead of Yourself
These patterns constantly cause you to edit yourself to show a version of you that you “think” others want to see. You often decide what people want or need without them telling you.
Many times, you ASSUME what people desire + will go out of your way to do all the things. Even if you don’t want to say, do, or agree with something.
Rather than leaning into being who you are + focusing on people that actually align with your thoughts + beliefs, you put so much into trying to control the opinions of those who are the least sympathetic to you.
You Worry About What Others Think
The hard truth is that these people probably don’t even care much about controlling what you think.
Usually, people you constantly try to please have the least appreciation for you + put no effort into actively trying to please you, like you’re doing for them. You put so much time into changing the thoughts that you “think” they’re having about you.
Many times people pleasing comes out when you desperately want people around you to like you. It could be a handful of people in or your or a much larger number. Either way, the behavior is people pleasing.
You edit yourself so you don’t seem bitchy
Most women are raised in society to think our opinions don’t matter as much as others. We are conditioned to want to please others over ourselves many times so we don’t come across as “bitchy” or too aggressive. So, we edit our thoughts, change our actions, or go along with ideas + decisions that we “think” will please those around us.
Our thoughts motivate us to do this, many times, without us even realizing. We are motivated through not wanting to feel uncomfortable in social interactions.
So, we focus on making others super comfortable to soothe ourselves. But, in the end, it doesn’t because you get so exhausted being someone you really aren’t.
Yet, you’ll notice many men are NOT people pleasers. When they act the way many women are afraid to [saying what they mean, doing what they think is best, displaying their true personality] they are considered confident.
I understand because I have been one of those people. I spent sooooooo many years constantly worrying about what others wanted, how they felt about me, + how they perceived me.
In turn, I was not focusing on my own wants, desires, + needs. It was EXHAUSTING + robbed me of so much happiness.
Have you felt this way before? Are you displaying a lot of these actions now?
Hard truth… if you are people pleasing on the regular, you’re a liar.
Let me explain.
Why People Pleasing Makes You a Liar + a Phony
When you people please, you’re showing a distorted version of your true self. You censor your thoughts, ignore your preferences, + do all the things you “think” someone else wants.
You’re trying to control people
Many times you will say things just to fit in, but they aren’t your true thoughts/feelings. You’ll say “I don’t care” or “sounds great,” when… in fact… you don’t feel that way.
- You think another choice is best.
- You don’t completely agree with what someone said.
- You know you’d be happier if something was done another way.
But, instead of voicing your true thoughts… you censor yourself in an act to control people thoughts + opinions of you.
At the core, you “think” you’re being a good person because you’re putting others feelings before you. But, really, you just deeply want them to think positively or highly about you.
- Related: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL OVERWHELMED
You’re being inauthentic
You’re actively trying to deceive others by showing them an inauthentic view of yourself. We ALL do it to some extent. Many of us have a social mask we wear where we are never really 100% our true self like we are at home. Usually this version of us is just more polite + a bit more polished.
BUT, people pleasing is when you constantly go out of your way to change more than just how polite you are. It’s when your happiness + preferences go out of the window. It’s when you REALLY want others to think a certain way about you. So, you’re willing to mold into someone you “think” they want you to be.
The truth? All of this makes you a liar + a phony.
You make it about wanting to make others happy + comfortable. BUT, in fact, it’s more about you. You’re trying to make yourself less anxious by manipulating their thoughts + feelings about you through your actions.
Any time you’re saying or doing something you don’t really want to do, you’re people pleasing.
Actionable Ways to Stop People Pleasing
Drill this mantra into your mind
No matter what you do or say, understand that you can’t change people thoughts or feelings about you. EVER.
When you truly begin to accept this fact, you realize what you’re doing is SO silly + such a waste of your time + energy.
Focus on people that align with who you are
Not everyone will like you all the time. That’s because we often connect with people that have similar thoughts + interests as we do. And that’s ok!
So, free yourself by focusing on people that DO align with who you are. There will always be people, no matter where you go, that will naturally like you. Focus on building relations with them in an authentic way — by being who you TRULY are!
Learn to accept that not everyone will really like you
There will ALWAYS be people who like you + don’t like you [whether you are being who you are or a phony].
Think about it. You don’t like everyone. Does make you a bad person? No way! But, again, you never really know what they’re thinking or feeling though unless they tell you.
Many people like when others are honest with who they are, even if they don’t align with them. You can smell a people pleaser a mile away. They come across as desperate, weak, + someone with low-confidence. So, might as well be who you are!
- Related: 7 WAYS TO DEAL WITH STRESS + ANXIETY
Put your own happiness first
Stop worrying about someone else’s happiness + preferences over your own. When people are asked what they want most out of life, almost everyone will say happiness. So, it’s a really freakin important skill to learn: saying YES only when it’s truly a HELL YES!
Yes, there will always be things you HAVE to do in life. But, 95% of the time you really do have a choice. So, learn to ask yourself, “would doing this truly make me happy?” If there answer is a hard NO, then listen to that! If it’s a “hell yes!” move forward!
Learn to get comfortable with saying no
Just like I mentioned in the last paragraph, saying NO is a valuable skill for a people pleaser. People pleasers often say “yes” immediately after something is asked of them. They feel this pressure of obligation.
But, that pressure 100% comes from ourselves! We say yes because we are putting others before ourselves. Learning to pause, take time to think, + them answer someone is a huge tool. You can tell people you need to check your calendar, talk to your spouse, or that you just need time to decide.
Eventually, you’ll get comfortable saying no within a short period of time + you will realize it will bring you more happiness. That’s because it’ll free up time for you to do things that truly light you up!
- Related: 150+ HABITS TO UP-LEVEL YOUR LIFE